He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
