I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize