apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Is Oprah even human
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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