3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
