toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
