I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
