I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize