Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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