there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
