i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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