Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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