I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
honey bunches of taint.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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