u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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