I CAN MOONWALK!
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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