she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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