I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
