I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
