Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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