I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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