that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
