apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
