The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
How does one acquire holy water?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize