I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
