I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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