I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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