someone threw a dead crab at me
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
