I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
