i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
