You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
