Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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