He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
