I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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