if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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