Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
