I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
