very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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