what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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