i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
