I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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