Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
NoShamevember. You game?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
