Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
