turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize
