Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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