i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
