Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
