Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
