So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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