dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
