im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize