I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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