Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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