Whod you bang
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I AM VODKA MAN
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
