Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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