the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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